where does one draw the line?

i would like to know where the line is between being grateful for something and just fatigued with the whole situation. i fully recognize that we were just treated to a wonderful little get-a-way that most people would be crazy about getting, but it was just too much for me to handle at this point in my life. dan's folks wonderfully got us a night at a bed and breakfast in banff for our christmas gift, which we just returned from today. here are some of the things that were good about it:

• it was really close to downtown (by the safeway)
• dan and i each got pants from gap which were on sale
• it was a night away from natty and the routines of life
• dan's mom got to hang out with natty and play, play, play
• it was nice to be able to just hang out with dan and read together
• the scenery was absolutely amazing, of course
• we got a free meal at the old spaghetti house (xmas gift too)

here are some things that weren't so good about it:

• the madhouse before we left to get the whole house packed up as isaac came with us for one night
• trying to remember get everything laid out for dan's mom in a note so that she would know where everything was, have emergency #s, etc, only to come home and see that none of it was read or followed (it's simply a respect issue in my mind)
• being stuck in a little cabin without a TV or a bath tub for my bubbly bath i was looking forward to taking
• coming home with poor isaac who is totally out of schedule and beside himself screaming (he doesn't travel so well, that boy)
• having to unpack a whole car full of stuff
• being away from natty for the night--i like that little boy, and really miss him when i'm away

so, yeah. how does it all balance? am i ungrateful? i feel really ungrateful, which means that i am. i feel grateful that they would want to do that for us. but it was just so....much....work. maybe when the boys are bigger and can both stay home, and we go for longer to make it worth it? i don't know. i'm just so stinkin' happy to be home!

a few points...

• well, my friends, the neighbours have made it home for a rendevous in the middle of the day. ah, sweet life. don't let me get in the way of an afternoon quickie.
• isaac slept through the night SOLID. i hold my breath and just wait for tomorrow. i don't want to jinx it.
• i used the treadmill today (yes--2 days in a row!) and went for 15 minutes, but it only amounted to 1.27 kms. really? i've got to step it up a notch. guess all things take time. no marathons quite yet. : )

night five...

one 10 second cry at 3am. sweet marie. please, oh, please, please, please, let it be.

on a non-isaac or natty note, we got a treadmill yesterday! dan is always on some marathon training schedule or other and finds it hard with work/boys/weather to balance actually get the job done some days and has been talking about a treadmill for years. we have never got one as who has that kind of cash sitting around? thank you mr. klein. dan really wanted to be sensible and invest the prosperity bonus (as is our usual approach to any new incoming money). i tried to convince him that we would never have "free money" again to do this with. this is a one-time gifting. lets do it. (i spend so much easier than dan!) and so we did, but he's still mourning spending the money. it was a great deal at a 1/3 of the cost of one comparable (london drugs--front page of this week's flyer!). i am really hoping that since we are spending the bonus, that means i get to get the digital camera we've been talking about and needing for a long time now. need. what a silly word. no, we don't need. that's a ridiculous claim. but i would really like to have non-fuzzy pictures of the boys to look back on and reminisce with. i'm still awaiting the final call on that one.

but i did tentatively jump up on the ol' treadmill and give her a 10 min whirl. i'm no runner--don't misunderstand me. i have nothing against the running folk--only admiration and best wishes, but i can't do it myself. i get all out of breath and my chest hurts and gets all tight. it doesn't seem do-able in my world. so i thought i might just "walk quickly" for a while and try to get in a fitness habit. easy to say with a new treadmill. i am highly aware of the mortality rates of machines such as that. well, not in dan's world; he'll make excellent use of it and i don't doubt it for a second. but in my world? we'll see. the 10 minutes felt good. isaac sat in the exersaucer and watched me with doubt written all over his face too. smart little cookie.

sleep therapy

What a night. I am trying to tell myself that it is all worth it and that I am doing the right thing, but in the middle of the night, I am highly suspect, torn and doubtful. Night four of Isaac's "sleep therapy" continues. I am letting Isaac cry it out in the night as he doesn't need to eat. He hasn't needed to eat in the night since just after the 2-month mark--almost 1/2 his life ago! He's just waking up for soother or some comfort and now he's abusing the system since he knows that I'll be around whenever he beckons—some nights up to 6 times a night! I know that there are many mothers out there that would be aghast at letting a baby cry it out. But, I guess I am equally aghast, as another friend of mine pointed out, at a one or two year old not sleeping through the night and needing their mom many times a night. These are skills that they need to learn. That is what I tell myself with gusto in the middle of the day. In the middle of the night, when Isaac is crying his little heart out, I am doubting and tired and angry and frustrated and worried.

Night one: Isaac cried for over an hour at one point, but ended up self-soothing and went to sleep.
Night two: Isaac slept right through! Not so much as a whimper. Lucky or a turn of events?
Night three: Isaac was up whimper crying for 15 minutes. Put himself back to sleep. Yay! Have we made it? Nope. Not yet.
Night four: Isaac was up at 12:45am for 25 minutes of angry shouts. Then up again from 3:55am for 12 minutes of not as angry shouts. Every minute is painstakingly watched on the clock. Then sweet, coveted silence. That is until the cat threw up. Nice. Real nice.

So, yes, I think he’s getting better at self-soothing and I am getting better at realizing that this is a good thing, but is it ever hell in the middle of the night. Is it too much to put him through? In the middle of the day, it’s a resounding NO! Different tune at night. Why is it so hard to know what to do as a parent? The sleep therapy shall continue. I sure hope we’re almost done—for all our sakes.

On an entirely different note, As I couldn't get any sleep last night, my mind went wandering to all sorts of places. One of those places was a bin in the basement that mom had kept for me all these years--which contained my very first pair of tap shoes. Over 30 years old, those tappers. I decided to let Natty try them on and they fit! So, we took them to dance class this morning. What noisy fun. Miss Michelle, the dance teacher, even got out her tap shoes and it was a very rhythmical tapping lesson! Natty thoroughly enjoyed the noise his feet made. : ) Although the picture is not the greatest quality, it's a little peak at Natty in the tap shoes--"noisy shoes!"

relief.

oh, thank goodness! we are somewhat in the clear. the scales at the doctors office read that Isaac has gained a whole 10 ounces since last month. hurray! not the required pound, but close enough. the doctor said that he isn't worried, but that we should weigh him weekly for the next bit, just to be safe. said he looks healthy and happy. huge sigh. i was cramming extra feeds into him this weekend just to beef him up. thank goodness he packed on a little bit. he's laying on the floor beside me as i type with his batting thingy above and he's all talky-talky-talking and so pleased with his hands' mobility. every time i make eye contact he laughs. ah, what sweet medicine for the soul. thank you, my son. i can now find something new to obsess about. like why is natty's allergist appointment not until dec. 18th 2006. hello? maybe i should just enjoy the gift of today's apparent health. : )

a change of scenery

I'll see how I like it here, but I do believe that I like this little niche a bit better. I like the format of the other one, but this one seems way more user friendly. I've moved all the posts from the other site so they won't be lonely. Couldn't move the comments though. I'll just have to remember them. : ) We'll see. Thanks for the inspiration for this site, Ang.

I must go get Natty out of bed. He's patiently calling and waiting. Don't want to push my luck.

Welcome all. Oh, the title for this space is taken from Bruce's Cockburn's song "Lovers in a Dangerous Time." I've always liked the line, and it feels truer than ever. Where is the time going?

thump thump thump

Jan 21

I know it's crass, but I just have to share that as I type this, I am well aware of my neighbours having sex. We are in a duplex and our bedrooms share a wall. Their headboard is against the wall we share. Yup. Busy little beavers over there. (!!) We have been having "noise issues" with them as of late, but I don't think I will ever tell them that this is yet another noise that we are trying to stomach hearing. They have two little kids (grade 2 & 4) who are super loud all the time. Well, the whole family is. They are just one of those really loud families. No one talks. They all shout. (Funny, as I typed that, the banging got louder... perhaps they're almost done? One can only hope.) The kids, however, are always waking Isaac up as his bedroom shares the common wall. I finally broke down last week and called the mother and tenderly tried to voice how loud it was ( I was scared crapless to make the call). She agreed and told me to call any time. Phew! I mean, Dan and I are considering moving for this sole reason! So, tonight (long before the headboard banging commenced), there was so much banging and thumping. Dan and I both agreed it was beyond "normal movement" so I called up. I'm not good at calling up to voice these things. I feel like the biggest hag in the world. But it's eating me alive with frustration if I don't. So, the mom gets on the phone and informs me "No, Jodi. We're all just watching movies over here. Can't be us. Must be truck vibrations you hear." Seriously? I appreciate the diversion, but no, trucks don't thump. But I'm not going to argue with her over it. We're sharing a roof for crying out loud. Humble apologies on my end, and I hang up feeling like a total ass. Yet the banging continued. They are a heavy-footed people over there. I can't wait until I'm in charge of the noises in and around my own walls. How trivial, I know. But when Isaac's awakened out of a sleep by banging, and I just took 1 hour to settle him down from the last bout... well, you can see how it's wearing. (By the way, the neighbours headboard has been silenced. Hope it was as good for them as it was for all of us.)

Speaking of Isaac, I found out at the health nurse/4 month immunization appointment yesterday that he is regressing in his weight!! I feel just awful. He started out in the 75 percentile at birth, fell to the 50th at 2 months, and is now below the 10th. Between his 3 month appointment and his 4 month one, he hasn't gained an ounce. In fact he's lost a few. I am at such a loss! Am I starving him? He seems to nurse really well since his medicine kicked in. He doesn't seem to be crying out to be fed more than I am already doing. The health nurse is "really worried." Great. The one thing I'm hanging on to that I am doing well these days and am on top of my game is just shot to hell. Of course, I'm continuing on and watching for signs of him starving and needing more food. I have a doctor's appointment Monday morning and a breastfeeding doctor appointment on Wednesday. Poor little man. I'm so afraid he'll be labeled "failure to thrive" and be placed in the hospital (obviously a worse-case exaggeration that I'm letting my mind wander to). At the very least, I worry that I'm not able to produce enough milk and I'll have to supplement. I didn't have any problems like that with Natty! I know it's not the end of the world, but I want to be solely responsible for his food intake. Funny how I can be so greedy when he's so needy. Such an endearing motherly trait. Needless to say, I am looking very forward to the doctor appointments. I'll keep you updated.

Dan's out at the folk club concert tonight, leaving me to my own puttering. It's pretty relaxing. I was resenting it at first (him having such a fun time and me at home with the boys), but I've done some good internet surfing, and made up my Stampin' Up order (Paige's and my gifts to eachother for belated Christmas). Not bad for feeling so jilted. Not bad at all. But I should retire as Isaac will be up whining soon for his soother. I'm trying to start to let him cry it out a bit in the middle of the night. He's getting old enough, but it still makes me feel like my head is going to explode for listening to the crying and makes me doubt every mothering decision I've ever made. I go back and forth in my reasoning at a hundred reasons a second and in the end, I'm still not sure if what I did was the correct thing. Especially now with the new "starvation" dynamic that's been added. Boy, I wish there was a manual. We'll all pull through, I'm quite sure. Now, off to bed. Good night.

Be still my heart

Jan 18

Thank goodness for Starbucks. There is at least one good thing about my morning. What an adventure… that left me feeling many things. At the very least, insecure. I had decided that it would be a very good thing to get Natty involved in a play-group that didn’t require my presence. Aside from the obvious registration cost, it came at a great cost, but one that I was willing to pay on everyone’s behalf. It would likely cost Isaac his morning nap—and likely the rest of his (and mine) day since he would be so out of sorts, but that was ok. It was important for Natty. It would cost me the anguish of going to a women’s bible study. An activity that I am not quite resolved to do yet. (more about that later) But that was ok, it was important for Natty. So, we got all ready on time, packed up in the car, and yes, even up to the church in time (for interests sake: not our old church). I brought both boys in the doors, and immediately my self-doubt and insecurities kicked in. I was to go with a friend that morning, but she had an appointment she couldn’t miss, so I was all on my own in a new place filled with strange faces. Again, I’m normally not so insecure that a situation like that is my undoing, but today, it was. I went down to the room where Natty would stay and he heard other crying little people who wanted their mothers and immediately he began to cry these huge, splashy tears. I’ve been a good mom all his life with the idea of “Buck up. It’s good for you,” but I was doubting it myself at this point. I did the responsible thing and left him with a nice older woman who held on to him and sang to him as I walked away. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I walked out to the main room where the morning’s session was taking place. The lady on the ol’ mic was explaining how the morning would work. Apparently it was the morning where you learn some ideas on how to throw a themed party for all of your friends. (Ideally, this is very intriguing and enticing, but the reality of it just isn’t in the scope of my world.) There were 10 tables all done up, each in a different theme. There were “hostesses” at each table—some wearing evening gowns, some in pjs… I hope you get the picture. We were to draw a number and that would be the table number where we started the rotation of spending TEN MINUTES at each table jotting down ideas to take home and try. Sweet Marie! You’ve got to be kidding me. It stretched out before me like 10 sentences from hell itself. I looked at Isaac, listened to Natty’s screams that made their way down the hall and through the closed double doors to my ears, looked at the 10 hellish sentences laid out so expertly before me, and decided that I felt the same way that Natty did, it’s just that I had to do a better job of masking my feelings. It’s just what’s expected when you’re an adult. Since no one had come up to me and talked to me, I had nothing vested in the production. It was still an easy escape. I went to the toddler room, scooped up a huddling-by-the-door, tear-stained Natty, and headed back out to the car, grateful boy in each hand. I think his heart and mine were feeling quite the same as we hit the fresh air—despite the 31 years that separates us. I realize that it might be perceived as the cowards’ way out. That I should have stayed and tried to make the best of it, since it was a commitment I made. That I should foster independence in Natty so that he can function without me. That I should be a bit more friendly and outgoing and try to reach out to other people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me. That I should be open to new ideas—I just might learn something fun. That I shouldn’t be so jaded about being in a church. But, alas, although I know all those things to be true, I didn’t feel all those things enough to keep me there. I realize there’s next week to deal with, when my friend is back to go with me and expecting my company. I would like to think that I’ll do much better next week, but I don’t know how Natty will do. Seeing him melt down and look at me like I was betraying him as I left him in the room was more than I was ready to handle. Will I be ready for it next week? Who knows. Guess I’ll just try it again and see. The good part was going through the Starbucks drive-thru on the way home and getting a vanilla latte to soothe my frazzled nerves. I wasn’t completely placated, but it sure tasted good! So, we're home, safe and somewhat sound. What a freakin' freak show.

is anyone out there?

JAN. 17

Here we are. "Out there" for the world to admire and see. So sureal. I think that I would love to be able to upload pictures of the boys days to show to the world. Our boys. Didn't I always say I would be surrounded by boys? Nathaniel and Isaac keep us, oh, so busy. Today was dance class. Dancing Toes, to be exact. I didn't think we would make it there--at all--this morning, but I surprised us all and got us out the door. Natty woke up 1 & 1/2 hours early, and Isaac woke up all snorty and snotty 1 hour early... both in fine form and ready to go. I excitedly brought Isaac down to his new exersaucer so he could try it out (excited for the exersaucer--not excited that he was out of schedule and our dancing class hung precariously in the balance). It went well until Natty decided to help him bounce and shake (all fine and good--if he could consistently hold his head up). Isaac melted down. Then Natty melted down because Isaac melted down. I held it together and did not melt down too... I just sat and laughed. What else can a mother do? Inspite of on and off tears by both of them for the next 1 & 1/2 hours, we made it out the door to dance class. I paid the money... Natty will go. Natty had a b-l-a-s-t, but Isaac and I didn't. Isaac cried the whole time and I was back and forth with him to try to soothe him. Natty didn't miss a beat; quite literally. He danced and ran circles around everyone, all the while watching his full head o' hair bounce in the full-room mirrors. Mr. Narcicist himself. Wouldn't it be grand to love and admire yourself that much and that openly? Our class came to an end, we quickly loaded in the car, returned Nemo video to the library (a new favourite), and were home in a flash. Isaac was asleep as his head was hitting the mattress. Phew! Natty lasted until he needed to, and then was out like a light too. I am in the "hallowed" time of the afternoon. My time. Sometimes only 1/2 hour before Isaac starts fussing... sometimes (like today) around 2 whole hours to myself! I get giddy at the thought. I hope to be able to update every so often, and hope that you enjoy reading about our day-to-day adventures. Every day has something exciting, you just have to be open to seeing it that way.