Perceptions

Isn’t it strange how we think of ourselves and how different others perceive us? I was thinking today just how “normal” I’ve been feeling lately—that I’m not as depressed or down on myself, and I got the comment that I seem so down lately. Really? Seems to me that I’ve been doing ok for once in a long time here. What do people know of us anyway? I mean, really know of us? Isn’t it so easy to let others in only so far. I fear it’s too ugly or complicated or just plain messy and they will run screaming away, or at least treat me with kid gloves. I don’t think I’m giving others the benefit then, but I’d rather err on the side of caution, I guess.

I wonder if “the church” would be as wounded by my perception of it as well. And by “the church,” I would be referring to God, as I really could not care about what most of the people in the church thought of me. I see the institution of church as a waste of time. It seems that not many people form true community there with people who share the same values as you. Community, it would seem, is actually a rarity in the church, even though that’s what the church is touted as having. Take for instance friends of ours who still go to our old church. They helped build the church 26 years ago—literally and figuratively. They have been there for everyone and through everything. Their 19 year old daughter recently got pregnant by her fiancé (of a few months). The mother felt that she had absolutely no one to turn to in the church with such a shocking and seemingly “ugly” situation. That no one would understand, not even those that claimed true friendship with her. She literally hadn’t a shoulder to cry on and she realized how absolutely alone she was and it was shocking to her. Perhaps she wasn’t giving people enough credit. But as I watch the whole situation unfold—the church refusing to marry the couple, the aloneness and disgrace of the family, I have to wonder: why be a part of this isolated, self-serving and judgmental institution? Isn’t this grieving God’s heart in such a magnificent way? What is the church’s purpose other than to run programs and count numbers? I realize I am super-cynical, but situations like this cause me to further examine what is or rather what was so important in my life. I’m not saying that this is the way it is, and that’s that. I am merely trying to find my way to what is true and worthy. I truly believe that the only thing that can fit those descriptors is God and so I guess my problem is in trying to intertwine the two when they seem so damn separate.