broken heart

I received the phone call this morning that my sweet, loving, spunky, beautiful Grandma Amy passed away. I asked my mother last night to tell Grandma one last time this morning that I loved her--I just wanted her to hear it again. Mom told her first thing and I know she heard and understood. She had the room full of family; 6 of her 7 children plus their spouses (7th on the way) and grandchildren who were dousing her with love and affection in her last moments. I would have been honoured to have been present, and feel very sad to be so far away.

I fly home with Isaac on Thursday. Dan and Natty are staying here. As much as I would love to have them there with me, grieving and honouring Grandma, I know that Natty is TWO and they probably wouldn't be around most of the service anyway. I am flying out and back with John and Paige, however, so that will provide comfort. We are staying until Monday morning and the funeral is on Friday. I am glad I get to spend some extra time back home with family, sharing memories and comfort.

My Grandma loved hearing me play my saxophone, and although I haven't touched it in over two years, I will be playing a sax duet with my cousin Mark at the funeral. I feel proud that I can (hopefully?) honour Grandma in a way that she would have so enjoyed, but when I think about the logistics of me actually playing at her funeral, I hope I can control myself enough to do so.

I am devastated that one of my most favourite people is gone. If I think too long about it, I well up and grieve my loss, but I am truly happy for her as I believe that she went home to heaven where there is no more pain for her to endure and she is united with all those whom she has loved and have gone on before her. I laughed out loud today when I idealistically and simplistically thought: if there's a baby nursery in heaven, she's already found it and is doing her most favourite activity: holding and rocking babies. And singing her made-up lullabies that always seemed to consist of only one word over and over: "Bye, bye, bye-bye...bye, bye, bye-bye...."