I feel like our lives are suspended right now, almost swinging back and forth from one option for our future to another. It's so hard waiting. Problem is, I'm not even sure what we're waiting for.
I sure about this: I want Dan to find a job that he enjoys and takes value in, something that validates him for how talented and gifted his is, something that lets him shine. I feel like he's never really been given a chance to shine. All jobs to this point have seem glimmers of what he can do and all that he's capable of, but none have stood back and said, "Go for it. We believe in you." I feel so frustrated that his past employers haven't said this. He is so deserving.
We are waiting for the results of his interviews with Catholic Social Services in Edmonton. He thought they went well, and for Dan to come out of an interview saying that (he feels he doesn't interview well---I say they just need to meet him to know) it went well. But if he does get offered something, that has many implications that I am not totally sure how I feel about. It means: selling our home and leaving the town we love so much; moving to Edmonton; MOVING! all that packing and unpacking (ugh!); leaving my brother and his family behind (we've grown so close, it will be impossibly hard to leave them); leaving Dan's parents behind (who will be heart-broken as they spend so much time with the boys); me leaving my permanent teaching contract with the board and maybe having to find something there (does that make me a doormat; wanting happiness and fulfullment for Dan so badly that I would give up what I've worked so hard for for myself?); setting up a whole new network of friends and family and daily existence in a new city; hoping like hell that Dan's new job is fulfilling and something that he would want to make a career out of... I know I probably haven't even thought of half of the things that are weighing on my heart. It just feels like a large, heavy lump and I'm not sure how to pull it all apart and see what's all in there. Am I the least excited to move? Yes, I think I am. But as it may become more a reality, I realize at what cost it is, and I am having trouble balancing it all out.
I just really, really want Danny to be valued and to shine. Is that such a big request? He needs it. We all do.
suspended.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Posted by Jodi at 10:15 a.m.
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3 comments:
jodi,
i completely hear your fears, and your doormat questions. when ideas start to become realities, i always get nervous, make lists, count costs and pennies and worry.
i think you're good at loving dan and supporting him and that's wonderful. i trust that he's your biggest fan too, and i think that's the way it should work - also like a swing. give and take, hey?
i'm sending up prayers for your little family, friend.
i echo angela's comments on the give and take. you two make a good team and your message shows how much you love danny and support him.
and i also know that i'm very proud of my little brother and want him to be happy at a career, because he and all of you deserve that. and i'm not just saying that because of the possibility of you moving here ;) because i would be VERY excited. i'm sorry, but i can't help but tell you that. if it comes down to it and you need someone to do drive-by's on potential houses, you know who to ask. :)
but i don't say that to belittle your feelings, of course. it's a huge potential change and i will keep you in my prayers.
(angie)
You're beautiful and real and I loved reading this because I felt like I got to sit inside your heart and listen to it beat.
I'm sorry for the swing of things, the suspension you're feeling.
Your desire to see Dan happy at the expense of what you've worked for doesn't make you a door mat, I don't think. It makes you damn selfless.
It's cool that you have a someone to experience all of this with. He's in it with you. And so are all of us.
Sending love and love and love.
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