proactive.

Look at these adorable little faces. How could I not want to be all that I can be as a mom? Sadly though, I am entering uncharted territory with parenting a "terrible two." No, not entering as in he just turned two--he's already 2+ 7 months, but entering as in his behaviour is a continuing battle these days that is wearing me down to the core. Where did my adorable, well-behaved angel of the first 2 years go? I see bits of him throughout my days, but mostly I see this little boy (no longer my "baby") who is so head-strong and has such a powerful little will to do everything HIS way, regardless of any boundaries or what I may have asked him to do or not do. It feels like every breath and every movement around here is a battle, and I know that this isn’t good parenting. I don’t want it to be a battle. I don’t want it to feel like a battle. I know it’s not supposed to be this way. I need to be celebrating that my little boy is growing up and discovering who he is as a person and trying to gain some autonomy. This is an exciting time in his life, and yet I am left scared shitless that this headstrong little boy is going to turn into a spoiled brat who rules the house and is one of those “problem children” that are featured on Nanny911. Of course, I know (I hope?) I am over-reacting, but it’s still there in the back of my mind.

So what am I doing to try to better myself (as I know that the “problem” lies in me and how I perceive and treat all these behaviours)?

I am talking to my friends that I see taking positive parenting steps in the lives of their toddlers and trying to pick their brains (incessantly, it seems) for ways to be positive and proactive with this all.

I have ordered a new book: Positive Discipline: The First Three Years. I have another book in this series, but I find it’s aimed at a bit older audience. It should come in the mail next week and then I plan on devouring it. I really need to educate myself in this area. Ignorance definitely isn’t bliss.

A friend of mine is setting up an informal mom’s focus-group of sorts that will meet every other Thursday to talk about bringing up children and discipline and all that. I know there are a lot of moms there that have a "good head on their shoulders" and I am very excited to go and pick their brains and listen to how those who have gone before and survived to tell the tale. And a night of laughter, good eats and drinks is also a bonus!

I am constantly trying to give Natty positive feedback and encouragement and love. Every time I see him, I try to offer something to him, especially when he’s around Isaac (which almost, without exception, means he’s hurting Isaac somehow). I figure he just wants attention (any kind will do), so I’ll pre-empt it by giving him lots of positive attention. That hasn’t been working, yet. 7 months of trying though.

I feel like this is it: do or die. If I don’t make the right choices now for my strong-headed little guy, the rest of his life will be determined. I don’t want to mess this up. And I don’t want to mess up my crack at parenting a toddler. I hate feeling so frustrated, and yes, at time, out of control. I hate the feeling of wanting to spank him because I’m angry and I want to make him listen. I am totally against spanking, and yet it pops into my mind, and yes, even days where I am so at the end of my rope that I have spanked his little behind. I hate myself after I do that. There’s no reason to ever hit a child, and I am fully aware of that, but he pushes my buttons again and again until there’s no reasoning capability left. Most of the time, I just put him in the crib for a time out and walk away when I’m feeling that overwhelmed. It’s not fair to either of us.

This isn’t to say we don’t have fun times together and that I’m not enjoying him in my life. That wouldn’t be true at all. I love him to bits. There are so many times in my days that I just stop to smell his messed up hair, or feel his soft little paws, or get hugged so tightly, or watch in amazement as he figures out something new, or laugh at his silly faces or words he’s figured out to say, or just pull him close and have a mother’s heart pour love all over his little self. He is such a gift to me and I just want to be able to do right by him. To be the best mom I can be. To give him a fighting chance in this world, and have him know that he is loved to bits while doing so. I know I’m not the first mother to ever go through this, but it sure feels insurmountable right now. I know I can do it, but it feels like I have so far to go. So many days ahead to perfect it.

On a more positive note, here's Natty outside the other day having a b-l-a-s-t. Boys will be boys, I know...

desperation is a tender trap...

5:02am I hear Natty up and at 'em. ooooh nooooo. I groan.
7:28am I go in to take Natty out of his crib. He's been so good for 2.5 hours. Child abuse? hmmm. Not at that hour. However, Natty's good behaviour and spirits are used up for the day.
7:55am I start the frantic calls to friends so I can take Natty somewhere after our 9:10am dr. appointment. I can not be alone with his whining and crying all morning. I fear for his safety.
8:02am Friend #1's response: sorry, we're going out to a friend's house this morning
8:08am Friend #2's response: sorry, my husband is home sick today, probably not the best idea
8:15am Isaac is up and I have to nurse him. Panic is setting in. Oh, ok, I guess I'll call friend #3.
8:30am Friend #3's response: sorry, my husband has the day off today! We're having a family day. Oh. Ok. Hard not to take all this personally at this point.
8:35am Called friend #4 as a long shot. Great friends, never get together as she lives far in the city. No one home. Left a message and told her we'd be leaving for the dr's at 9am. Call if she's interested.
8:40am Natty is already driving me batty. He's in perma-whine mode. Nothing is acceptable to him. Nothing. And he's injured Isaac 2x and thought it was funny.
8:50am Still no call from friend #4. Real desperation sets in. The hours loom from here until nap time just after 12. There's no chance in hell I'll make it through. I press talk. Then hang up. Then talk, then hang up. Once more. But this time I follow through. I actually call Dan's mom to see if I can bring Natty by while I go to Costco. Nope. She has to go to work. Mark that one on the calendar. Turned down by the mother-in-law.
8:55am Frantically packing the bag to go to Isaac's 6-month check-up and trying to get Natty coerced into heading out to the car.
9:01am Friend #4 calls back and says, "come on over! we'd love to have you!" YIPPEE!!
9:08am We all race out the door, late for our app't but on our way to sanity!

Yes, my friends, I made it through. I know if it wasn't for getting out of the house, it wouldn't have been so pretty a story. Thank goodness for friends. Too bad too many of you live so far away! I'd be on your doorstep often if we lived closer! ; )

On a different note: while viewing a house for sale tonight (I know, I know...) friend #1 had our boys so we could be "free"... and Isaac had his first roll-over!! And I missed it. Sigh. Drop him off for 15 minutes at someone else's home, and he has one of his first milestones. Sigh. I'll have to work on that tomorrow with him. (no go on the house, by the way)

Happy 1/2 Year, my boy.

At the 5-month mark, Isaac turned into a sleeping star. He slept through the night for 2 weeks straight with nary a whimper. Then he got sick and forgot everything. We are just completing up week 2 of him up countless times in the night and not napping worth a hill of beans during the day. Honestly! All that work for ... what exactly?

Last night he slept through again. At least I didn't hear him. There was rejoicing in the house this morning. Even if it was just by me, since Dan wears ear-plugs. (He's not allowed to rejoice as fully, I'm afraid.) Once Isaac's done it, and I know he can do it, there's not a lot of room for funny business in my mind. And, he had a kick-ass nap this morning. I don't know if kick-ass is really appropriate to relate to an infant's world of being, but that's what it was. I went to my friend, Dana's, to hang out (Natty is driving me up the wall and down the block on my own with all his whining and never-ending crying) and he slept for 2 and 1/2 hours. I had to wake him up to go home. Can you imagine?? He was up until just now (2:30) talking and chatting and I've put him down. Hopefully for a long nap again. That would eliminate one whole nap (late afternoon) in his schedule! Are we ready? Will it work? We'll all have to wait, my friends. I know you're on the edge of your seats... is this it? Is he ready to make a schedule change in life? More on that later. : )

On an entirely different note, but still Isaac-y, he gets to start solid foods this weekend! I'm waiting for Dan to be a part of it, and I want to see if I can borrow a video camera so we can get some good footage. At least a good picture. I think he's really going to enjoy the rice cereal.

My little baby boy is growing up so fast. Well done, my son, well done. You've overcome a painful digestion problem, traveled on many mini-vacations, learned to talk, coo and laugh, raise your eyebrow at me in a humouring way that always makes me giggle, stand so tall and proud on your little legs, weathered countless attacks (all in good nature) from your menacing-loving brother, grasped toys and passed from one hand to another while gumming objects like mad, and for the most part, got a good handle on sleep, eating and the routines of life. You are such a joy to me and you give out smiles so freely and warmly, always warming my heart and filling it to the brim with love. Congrats on such a successful first half of your first year. I can't wait to see what the second half brings.

Update already.

I received a pointed email with that as the subject. I would love to oblige, but I just feel like I have nothing going on that is interesting enough to share. I feel like it’s just everyday life, and who wants to hear about that hum-drum? But, nonetheless, if you’re willing to put in the time, here’s a recap of the last week, interesting and otherwise:

*Isaac was sick all last week. He started out M-Tu with a fever of 101/102 that just wouldn’t break. I was so neurotic about it all. I called the healthlink twice just to hear that it was ok and what I should keep an eye out for. (You’d think this was my first child with his first fever or something…) The fever broke and then W-Th he was just miserable either listless, crying or trying to sleep and crying. It wasn’t until Friday that I caught glimpses of my happy little guy again. Phew! It’s so scary having someone so sick who’s so small! But the rejoicing was short-lived as…

*Natty and I have both caught his cold. Natty is miserable too. And he didn’t nap on Saturday or Sunday, even though he was put down! Talk about absolutely miserable!! He was down and asleep for the night at 6:30pm both nights—and that couldn’t come soon enough. He is also teething his upper molars. It’s a bloody, swollen mess in there, which could account for some of the misery around here.

*I have spent the weekend trying to nap and fight off this cold so I can be ready for handling both boys alone this week. 2 is hard, but harder when you’re sick. Woe is me, I know. I HATE being sick. Sick sucks.

*Yeah, so, uh, Dan and I have started talking to a counselor about all of the church crap that has happened. It has affected both of us individually, and as a couple… obviously. Life altering situations tend to do that. Anyway, it’s time. We had our second appointment this past week. It was more stressful than our first. Obviously it was a bit more in depth and talked about more emotions and what-not, and since Isaac was sick, he cried, well, like a baby, through the whole appointment, which didn’t help the overall feeling and stress-level of it all. I was ready to go in and chat about how awful the church was, what awful things have happened to us, blah, blah, blah, but it wasn’t so. We talked about how Dan and I communicate. What?! Er—remember how we told you about how awful the church is? Why don’t we dwell there for a bit instead? Why are we taking an entirely different road here and talking about how we communicate? Needless to say (I think) I was caught unaware, and it was pretty draining, I guess.

I’m learning lots about me just by the questions that are posed to me and either my ability or inability to answer them the way I want to. It’s so surreal. It’s like I have lots to say, but either my mind goes blank and I can’t think of an answer that I am satisfied with, OR there’s just too many thoughts and answers bouncing around up there and although I can think them, I can’t open my mouth and articulate them the way I want to. I haven’t figured myself out yet, I guess. 34 years in and I still don’t have a clue. Yikes.

*Dan and I decided not to buy a house right now. I think. Probably, that is. I mean, hopefully nothing good comes on the market. **nervous and embarrassed snickering** I mean, honestly, what are we thinking?? I am on maternity leave and not wanting to go to work in the fall, Dan is going to be jobless in just over 2 months and looking for work again… and we don’t even know if work is to be had in this neck of the woods! What if we buy here only to find out that we have to move again? I mean, the moving part is bad enough, but the realtor fees! To take an expression from Shannon: my laundry!! It’s crazy! I am NOT going to pay those fees twice if I don’t have to. Plus the real estate market is just stupid around here. Stupid as stupid can be. Although we would get an obscene amount of money for this place if we sell right now, we are also buying into an obscenely-priced market. When buying prices come down, then so will our place, but it’s all relative, right? Too big of a decision to make on what-ifs. I’m just too practical when it comes to money. I found when it came down to the wire that I don’t like to take risks.

*We’ve started talking about what we would like to do around here renovations-wise if we are staying around for a bit. In no order, here’s our dream list: (note the word “dream”… please don’t think we actually have the money to carry this all out! Ha!)

1. new ceiling fan a la 2006 in the living room (bye 1980s white style)
2. slate floors in foyer and lower bathroom
3. new bathroom counters (we have new sinks and taps for both that have been waiting over a year to be installed…)
4. garage door insulation (front room is just way too cold in the winter)
5. a screen door for the side of the house. (I guess it’s our only door, now isn’t it? Well, maybe I wanted a screen door on our bedroom.)
6. new matching laundry bi-fold doors (the 1-door-missing look is growing old)
7. a wood deck to go out on our side yard where the swing set presently is
8. new windows for the front room (again, that room is too cold in the winter!)
9. new kitchen cabinets (we’ll go broke on this one alone. Even IKEA is $$$)
10. new kitchen counter and backsplash to complete the look

That’s about all for now. A good start. Can you imagine having enough money to be able to do all of this just because you wanted to? What a outlandish thought.

Anyway, Natty is running around here crying and throwing things as he needs to eat, and Isaac will be up any moment wanting to eat as well. I should do the responsible thing and do the mothering stuff. I’m so glad I found this old laptop to write on down here—otherwise I’d never be able to update! Thank goodness for the ol’ floppy disks. That’s about the level of technology on our home, but, hey, it gets the job done. Happy Monday everyone.

book chat stuff

Hey everyone. Either here or on Shannon's site (preferrably her site--see comments on last entry below on the hows and the what-not), why don't you log in and assert somehow that/when you've secured a copy of the book and are ready to rock. Hope that's ok.

http://www.shannonfisher.ca

Excitedly waiting. No pressure.

Have you done it yet??

proposal

I don't know if this is appealing, or if it would even work, but I have a proposal. I have just begun the book, "Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd.

So far, although it is just starting, I am feeling challenged and overwhelmed, excited, and even a bit ignorant on what she is writing about. This is from the back of the book: (easier than me trying to describe it)

Sue Monk was a ""conventionally religious, churchgoing woman, a traditional wife and mother"" with a thriving career as a Christian writer until she began to question her role as a woman in her culture, her family, and her church. From a jarring encounter with sexism in a suburban drugstore to monastery retreats and rituals in the caves of Crete, Kidd takes readers through the fear, anger, healing, and transformation of her awakening. Retaining a meaningful connection ""with the deep song of Christianity,"" she opens the door for traditional Christian women to discover a spirituality that speaks directly to them and provides inspiring wisdom for all who struggle to embrace their full humanity.

My question is if anyone has the time or interest to read it somewhat simultaneously and chat about it. It would be really informal--no strict guidelines! It's just that we all live so far apart, and so the option of actully doing a face-to-face bookclub together is slim to none. I'd just love to challenge my brain and have a stimulating discussion once in a while. You know. There are two big ifs of course:

• If you have time for yet another thing to do in your already busy life?
• If this topic even interests you? And if it doesn't, any other suggestions of books to tackle together if you wanted to?

Just throwing it out there. Let me know if I'm a bit too eager, or if it might work one way or another. I wouldn't be too upset if no one wants to, no worries. Just testing the waters.

tell tale tulips

Bought tulips for myself as a fun treat 2 days ago. Came down this morning to this:


Here's the telling question:

• Do you see 4 flowers that didn't make it or 1 that's fighting like hell to stay alive?

new or old?

I'm not sure if I've totally missed the music movement on this one--which wouldn't surprise me one bit--but I was just reading Shannon's blog and followed a link to someone's site who had commented on Shannon's blog, and she had this link on her site. Follow that?

You tell the site musical artists you like and it creates a "radio station" and plays the artist you like as well as music like it. Cool. No work. Just pure, non-stop listening enjoyment. Check it out.

http://www.pandora.com/

Problem is, I can't decide who to put on my radio station... so I've created four. Way to show conviction.

I'm all alone tonight (well, with boys, of course) and am revelling in the time just to be mindless and surf on the computer without having to "share" it with Dan. Yeah, I'm revelling right now, but when I crawl into bed, it will be a different story. At least I have some good tunes.

Hey--this house just listed. What do you think? Homey or homely? I can take it. Be honest.

stressed? who me?

Ok. Just a little bit of life happening around us in the past day. We found the perfect house that we want. Both Dan and I agreed that we wouldn’t change one little thing in the whole house. We saw it last night and it was love at first sight. Perfect layout, perfect decorating, perfect location, almost perfect price…everything. What a whirlwind. But there were just too many variables that I wasn’t comfortable with. I’m such a logistical minded person that way. Here’s a bit of our day yesterday:
· Dan went to work as usual and I was busy getting the boys ready to go over to my friend Dana’s house to drop Natty off for play and a nap as she was babysitting him for me. I had Isaac’s schedule marked out to a T as he and I had to go into the city for a 1:00 app’t that Dan was coming to as well. We made it to Dana’s on time, had a visit, Isaac had a bit of a nap, then we started out.
· We made it to a pre-ordained intersection downtown busy Calgary at precisely 12:15pm to meet Dan. (a miracle in itself) Pick-up was successful and off to the appointment. Breastfed in the parking lot. Modesty? No time. Success at the appointment as well.
· Then Isaac and I waited in line at the Canada Services office to complete his Social Insurance Application that I’ve been meaning to do for the past 4 months. I then breastfed him in that parking lot, all the while watching the clock, as we had to race home to pick up Natty as Dana’s little one had a swimming lesson she had to get to. We pulled in just as they were packing up.
· Got home to a message about an opportunity for Dan to make some money at Nikiska and Fortress ski hills passing out samples on the ski hill (aveeno and crystal lite of all things) with lodging paid for and $100/day to boot. He was allowed to bring someone as well, so he had to call up his friend, Evan, and see if he could go because Dan wouldn’t go away for a weekend alone. That was a barrage of phone calls back and forth and to the original offerer of the job, to Evan, to the point that Dan was still on the phone about it as we were pulling out of the driveway to our VALENTINE’S DINNER!
· In all that time, we had the babysitter come over, we put both boys down to bed (Natty didn’t nap at Dana’s so he was WIRED and cranky), and were on the phone to the realtor (as well) about setting up a viewing for this house that had just listed late that afternoon.
· We finally were out to the Blue Dog (our favourite restaurant here in town) for our special romantic dinner… where we talked finances, etc the whole time. I recognize these things need to be discussed before one shows up at a viewing. We made it out in time and up to see “our new house.” The realtor let us in, we fawned and ooo-ed and ahhh-ed all through, then came back to set up an offer. There was already one “on the table” so we had to come in above list price. (That’s the present Cochrane market—bidding wars…) THAT’S the stressful part. The other agent was calling saying “are you coming or what?” and I was upstairs having a panic attack at what we were getting ourselves into!! Our agent waited patiently downstairs, then we came down and said…yes? And I was further panicked. Then Isaac woke up and started screaming to eat. My mind was racing, my heart coming out of my chest, I felt sick to my stomach, Isaac was wailing, our agent was standing with the phone in his hand ready to make the call. AHHHHHHH!! It almost doubles our mortgage. Do we really need a house that badly? We own this one and are quite comfortable financially. Long story short, our offer was written up, taken away, Dan drove the sitter home, then he came home and we waited for the phone to ring. It did. The seller refused both offers. BOTH! The seller is a realtor and she knows how to play her game. She wanted more money and an offer with NO conditions. Honestly. I felt relieved that we were "off the hook" and we were to remain financially non-strapped, but I felt equally disappointed that we tried our best, but it wasn't good enough. We didn't get our house. What that means, I'm not quite sure. Maybe wait until Dan finds steady gainful employment?! I'm sure that will help in the calmness of my mind. Then I'll just be 100% ripped off that we didn't get the house in these situations. Yeah, that's it. Aim for ripped off. We finally got to bed around midnight. Oh, and happy Valentines day to you too. Right. Right.
· This morning we get the call right away—conditionally sold. More relief, but mostly a very bitter case of sour grapes. I’m sure more will come. As I’m sitting thinking all this through holding Isaac, Natty comes up to him and I think he’s giving him a gentle snuggle when Isaac bursts out wailing!! Natty bit his arm! Left a full set of teeth impressions on Isaac’s arm!! His tiny little arm that I was supposed to be protecting! I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react. I reacted strongly and Natty knew how I felt. He was quite embarrassed and shy himself. But still. What does one do with biting?? I have to do some research and talk to friends who are parents. Biter. Honestly.
· So, that’s me. And tomorrow Dan goes away for the WHOLE weekend. I’m feeling a bit of woe is me, but I’m sure we’ll survive. I believe they boys and I will all go to Paige and John’s for a sleep-over. I’m still sitting in my housecoat and doing absolutely nothing. Good way to recoup, I guess. I’m done like toast. Burnt, crispy toast.