Look at these adorable little faces. How could I not want to be all that I can be as a mom? Sadly though, I am entering uncharted territory with parenting a "terrible two." No, not entering as in he just turned two--he's already 2+ 7 months, but entering as in his behaviour is a continuing battle these days that is wearing me down to the core. Where did my adorable, well-behaved angel of the first 2 years go? I see bits of him throughout my days, but mostly I see this little boy (no longer my "baby") who is so head-strong and has such a powerful little will to do everything HIS way, regardless of any boundaries or what I may have asked him to do or not do. It feels like every breath and every movement around here is a battle, and I know that this isn’t good parenting. I don’t want it to be a battle. I don’t want it to feel like a battle. I know it’s not supposed to be this way. I need to be celebrating that my little boy is growing up and discovering who he is as a person and trying to gain some autonomy. This is an exciting time in his life, and yet I am left scared shitless that this headstrong little boy is going to turn into a spoiled brat who rules the house and is one of those “problem children” that are featured on Nanny911. Of course, I know (I hope?) I am over-reacting, but it’s still there in the back of my mind.
So what am I doing to try to better myself (as I know that the “problem” lies in me and how I perceive and treat all these behaviours)?
I am talking to my friends that I see taking positive parenting steps in the lives of their toddlers and trying to pick their brains (incessantly, it seems) for ways to be positive and proactive with this all.
I have ordered a new book: Positive Discipline: The First Three Years. I have another book in this series, but I find it’s aimed at a bit older audience. It should come in the mail next week and then I plan on devouring it. I really need to educate myself in this area. Ignorance definitely isn’t bliss.
A friend of mine is setting up an informal mom’s focus-group of sorts that will meet every other Thursday to talk about bringing up children and discipline and all that. I know there are a lot of moms there that have a "good head on their shoulders" and I am very excited to go and pick their brains and listen to how those who have gone before and survived to tell the tale. And a night of laughter, good eats and drinks is also a bonus!
I am constantly trying to give Natty positive feedback and encouragement and love. Every time I see him, I try to offer something to him, especially when he’s around Isaac (which almost, without exception, means he’s hurting Isaac somehow). I figure he just wants attention (any kind will do), so I’ll pre-empt it by giving him lots of positive attention. That hasn’t been working, yet. 7 months of trying though.
I feel like this is it: do or die. If I don’t make the right choices now for my strong-headed little guy, the rest of his life will be determined. I don’t want to mess this up. And I don’t want to mess up my crack at parenting a toddler. I hate feeling so frustrated, and yes, at time, out of control. I hate the feeling of wanting to spank him because I’m angry and I want to make him listen. I am totally against spanking, and yet it pops into my mind, and yes, even days where I am so at the end of my rope that I have spanked his little behind. I hate myself after I do that. There’s no reason to ever hit a child, and I am fully aware of that, but he pushes my buttons again and again until there’s no reasoning capability left. Most of the time, I just put him in the crib for a time out and walk away when I’m feeling that overwhelmed. It’s not fair to either of us.
This isn’t to say we don’t have fun times together and that I’m not enjoying him in my life. That wouldn’t be true at all. I love him to bits. There are so many times in my days that I just stop to smell his messed up hair, or feel his soft little paws, or get hugged so tightly, or watch in amazement as he figures out something new, or laugh at his silly faces or words he’s figured out to say, or just pull him close and have a mother’s heart pour love all over his little self. He is such a gift to me and I just want to be able to do right by him. To be the best mom I can be. To give him a fighting chance in this world, and have him know that he is loved to bits while doing so. I know I’m not the first mother to ever go through this, but it sure feels insurmountable right now. I know I can do it, but it feels like I have so far to go. So many days ahead to perfect it.
On a more positive note, here's Natty outside the other day having a b-l-a-s-t. Boys will be boys, I know...
4 comments:
Jod,
You are not alone in this battle. I kept nodding my head as I read and envisioning my recent days with Lauren. She has managed to push every button and dance on my very last nerve. I too have spanked out of frustration only to find myself in tears at my inability to cope rationally. How do other parents do it? Are they all closet spankers too?
Let me know how the book turns out. I have read most of Barbara Coloroso’s Kids are Worth It – Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. I have yet to give Lauren the “gift”, but as I do a quick fan through, I see a couple of chapters that are truly worthy of a second read - Three Alternatives to No and Other Plan Bs”.
If you have time this week, give me a call and we can swap ideas, or at least commiserate together.
Thanks Steph. That makes me feel good, in an insanely disfunctional way, that you can relate and have spanked Lauren too. I am definately feeling tremendous guilt over that one--like I must be the last mother around who has given in to that distasteful course of action.
The group of moms that I will be meeting with are going to be focusing their discussions around the "Kids are Worth It" line of methodology. It's not a *book club* per se, but it will be a commonly discussed book at our meetings. I'm off to Chapters in the morning to pick up a copy to read through. 3 alternatives of no, eh? That'd be so nice. It seems it's all I say these days.
I realize reading it and putting it to practice are 2 different things, but I'm sure willing to give it a try.
I shall give you a call this week, as I would love to chat about this with you! Hopefully we can find some time when it's good for both of us, and said dependants! Thanks for the encouragement. : )
Ahh children, they really do humble us don't they? Natty is one loved little boy and he will rest in that on those bad days. I have been realising that parenting is about showing our kids our humanity not our perfection -we ccan leave that up to God.
You are a smart, wise and wonderful mother, I have full confidence that you will find your way in raising Natty to be a positve self controlled autonmous little guy. May you cherish the postive happy puddle jumping moments and learn from the hairpulling, screaming insane ones.
And may we all be a bit more gracious when we see a toddler having a melt down and its mother standing in bewilderment.
Please remind me of all this when Lucas is sending me over the edge of reason.
L
The fact that you're even thinking about this makes you a wonderful mom, Jod. You already are what your boys need.
It's so cool that you're being SO proactive and reading and talking and going to groups. It's about all of us finding our way through this messy life TOGETHER. We just can't do it alone.
You're beautiful in so many ways.
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