too many questions

I have a call with a principal to a school that I might work at this fall in ten minutes. My heart is racing. Not because I’m nervous that I won’t get the job, but rather, what the job looks like and if I want to take it. I thought that I was on top of the world coming off of maternity leave with options abounding, but it turns out that my options are limited, and my timing on making that decision even more limited. And we have to do all this without knowing what the future holds for Dan job-wise.

I’m a bit stressed out.

**time has passed**

I have talked to the principal at the new school (the junior high extension of my present school) and while I am a bit calmed with what my options are before me, as in what they look like, I am still panicked about which one to choose! Basically this is the gist:

Option 1: Stay at my old school (grades 1-4) where the only job available to me is a full-time (1.0 FTE) grade 4 class

Option 2: Move to the new school (grades 5-9) where I can have a 1.0 FTE teaching band, drama and English

Option 3: At the new school again, I can have a 0.4 FTE teaching band alone. That 0.4 can fall on either 2 full days (rotating on a 6-day schedule), or on 4 mornings or afternoons (rotating on that same schedule).

If we knew if Dan’s work was going to accept his job proposal and give him work for the fall, this would be an easier choice, by far. What if I say I’ll work part-time, and then he doesn’t get work and I need to go back full-time to support us? As soon as I say I’ll work part-time, I’m signing away my full-time continuing contract with the board and they are not obligated to me to give me anything past the part time I said I would want. Sigh. I’m pooched.

Conversely, if I tell them I want a full time position and then change my mind, I’m totally at the mercy of the system. I have given up my “choice” of what I want to teach and time-tabling options, and I have to resort to whatever job posts are left in the system, wherever they may be, for whatever FTE they may be, whatever the timetabling looks like, and whatever the teachable subject looks like. Now, that’s a gamble I wouldn’t be happy with come fall and looking for “occasional work.”

What to do, what to do, what to do. When in life does it get easier? Is it even supposed to get easier and have more stability. I do all this belly-aching full-well knowing that there are people who would kill (well, maybe do something a little less unconscionable) to have all these options open to them (i.e. Dan!), and that this isn’t a hardship to face at all, but coupled with Dan’s uncertainty in gainful employment, and the two little boys sleeping down the hall from me as I type and their need for a mama or dada around in their days, you may see how I am conflicted.

Throw me a bone here, God! An answer written across the sky will suffice. Don’t make me do this alone. I’m going to screw something up, and it’s not going to be pretty. Damn that 20/20 hindsight.

Other than that, I guess all’s going well. The sun sure helps. More than helps. Sustains. Energizes. Gives purpose and resolve. Thank God for the sun, the blue skies, the warmth, the blooming flowers outside, and even for the smell of dirt. Yes sir.